THE GREATEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM NEVER MADE

This popped into my head recently, and it’s as good an explanation as any as to why I think some of the best science fiction ideas are from people who don’t write science fiction in the conventional sense.

It’s something Woody Allen used to do in his stand-up days, and there’s no embeddable AV file I can see on the Internets (though it’s available at Last FM if you want to hear it), so here’s a transcript.

I wrote a science fiction film which I'll tell you about:

It's ten after four in the afternoon, and everybody in the world mysteriously falls asleep. Just like that – they’re driving cars, whatever they are doing, bang! They got to sleep – the Russians, the Chinese, the Americans.

And the whole world sleeps for exactly one hour, till ten after five, and they wake up at ten after five, and mysteriously upon awakening everybody in the world find themselves in the pants business.

Everybody is making cuffs and flies and cutting velvet, y'know. And a spaceship lands from another planet, and men get out with jackets and shirts and black socks.

No trousers at all.

They say: "Are the pants ready?"

We say: "No. Could you come back Thursday?".

They say they must have them, because they’re going to a wedding.

We work diligently and make pants constantly, and when they come to pick them up, they leave us with socks, hankerchiefs, pillowcases and soiled linen. And they say: "Do it."

The president of the United States goes on television and says that an alien superpower from outer space with superior intelligence is bringing us their laundry.

And they’re foiled, because they travel 117 million light years to pick it up – and they forget their ticket.

Genius.

The day the pants stood still,

This is dF

ANTHRAXING WHILE CAUCASIAN

One of the fun things about speculative SF is when reality gets in the way. For example, just when I was finishing up Greg Bear’s Quantico, which offers a possible explanation for the anthrax letters of 2001 and the person responsible, suddenly the FBI announces that they’ve cracked the case.

No doubt you’ve heard all about that by now. One of the things that probably won’t get much mention is that the suspect, Bruce Ivins, is NOT a scary-looking brown guy in a turban.

Which is worth mentioning since far too many people in the US (some of whom have nationally syndicated newspaper columns and radio and TV shows, and also work in the FBI) still seem to think that if yr a brown guy in a turban who worships Allah – or, failing that, yr Rachael Ray – yr probably an Enemy Of America and a terrorist.

I suppose the good news is that the FBI doesn’t base ALL of its anti-terror investigations on whether yr a Muslim. If they did, Ivins (and Hatfill before him) wouldn’t even be a suspect.

Anyway, I thought I’d just throw that out. For the record.

READ MORE ABOUT IT: Bruce Schneier explains why racial profiling doesn’t work.

It wasn’t me,

This is dF