THE BALLAD OF DEF CYCLOPS

Regarding the previous transmission regarding the removal of my right eye and subsequent rumors that it’s a all a media prank to promote my new album, Bikini Butter Masters:

Let me explain.

For about a year now, I’ve had this thing on my right eyelid. Possibly a cyst, possibly an alien pod cocoon infestation. Never bothered me, so I left it alone, which of course was the Wrong Thing to do. Finally, as I had a little free time yesterday, the Bridal Unit suggested I go have it looked at by a specialist.

Which I did. The specialist (let’s call him Dr Ocular) said it was not one cyst, but two, which meant that it was multiplying, and that if I didn’t have it surgically removed at once it would take over my face and turn me into a Dick Tracy villain. Or something.

Did I want to do it now, he asked?

I figured the longer I spent thinking about it, the longer I’d put it off, so I said, “Sure, as long as we’re all here. What’s involved?”

“Good question!” says Doc Oc. “I’ll break it down, son. The nurse is going to rub an anesthetic topical cream on yr eyelid and let it sit for half an hour, then she’s going to give you some eyedrops to anesthetize you further. Then I’m going to come in and stick this needle in yr eye and inject you full of Novocaine.”

“Like a dentist?”

“Do I LOOK like a dentist, son? I am an EYE doctor! If I was a dentist I’d be sticking this big-ass needle in yr gums, not yr eye socket!”

“My bad. Please continue.”

“Now, when I stick this needle in, it’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker. In fact it will be unlike any pain you have ever experienced. Until I start the surgery. Then the fun really begins.”

“Now wait just a minute, doctor. What was all that anesthesia for?”

“Yr peace of mind. The thing is, son, with this type of surgery, some people feel no pain whatsoever, and some people do no matter how much anesthetic you give them. And the ones that do invariably describe it as being skull-fucked by R. Lee Ermey with a butter knife for 45 minutes. You strike me as one of the latter. I am a doctor. I know these things. On the bright side, it only lasts maybe 20 seconds. Still interested?”

“When do we begin?”

“As soon as you sign these waivers.”

He was right about the pain, you know.

Okay, it wasn’t THAT bad, and those of you who have given childbirth will sneer at my discomfort. Fair enough. Still, it was one of the most intensely focused pain experiences I’ve had in recent memory. And I confess that my first thought after it was over was: “Wow, if I was ever captured and renditioned to Gitmo for advanced interrogation, they’d break me on contact.”

Anyway, that’s the story of how I became The Cyclops for an afternoon. The patch was off in three hours, and it’s been eye drops and creams for me ever since.

Which isn’t as cool as the suggestions I received about having Borg eyes installed. Sorry about that. On the other hand, my insurance won’t cover that. Elective surgery, they call it. Feh. As if bionic eyes are optional in the 21st century.

I’d post an update pic, but it’s me topless drinking Wild Turkey straight from the bottle. And you don’t want to see that.

I can see for miles,

This is dF

THE MEME INTERVIEWS PART 398

Some memes for the weekend [by order of viewers like you].

More things you may not know about me:

1. I’m recession-resistant.

You Are 55% Likely to Survive Another Great Depression

Even though you may not be expecting the worst, you're the type of person who prepares for the worst. You live a relatively modest life. You don't overspend, and you aren't very materialistic. You are also quite self sufficient and independent. You have many useful skills. You can take care of yourself and those you love... which is crucial to surviving another Great Depression.

Could You Survive Another Great Depression?

2. I am without fear.

Your Word is "Fearless"

You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it! You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing. Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities. And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.

What's Your Word?

3. I can match Bond films with corresponding US presidential administrations.

Mr. Bond, Meet Mr. President Score: 100% (9 out of 9)

Which makes me qualified to be vice president (or are we no longer doing those jokes?).

4. I am SO metal.

You Are IRON

You are strong and dominant. You are used to getting your way. You are often at conflict with your primal urges, but you don't let on to this inner turmoil. You are also very agile and flexible. Once you change course, you commit to it. You are a person who is more substance than style. You prefer to let your actions speak for you.

What Metal Are You?

PRODUCTION NOTE: I may have monkeyed around with that last one a little.

Iron man,

This is dF