TEAM AMERICA ROCKS YR WORLD

ITEM: Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez Wednesday accused the United States of causing the destruction in Haiti by testing a 'tectonic weapon' to induce the catastrophic earthquake that hit the country

Which sounds batshit, I know. The funny thing is, he’s got a pretty wide body of batshit research to back him up, most of it concerned with HAARP (High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program), a joint scientific research project of the US Air Force and Navy whose principle facilities are located in Gakona, Alaska.

HAARP’s official purpose is to study “the properties and behavior of the ionosphere, with particular emphasis on being able to understand and use it to enhance communications and surveillance systems for both civilian and defense purposes.”

However, its REAL purpose, according to some, is to serve as a tool for the New World Order to use the weather and earthquakes as weapons against countries that won’t play ball with the NWO.

Like Haiti – which, incidentally, just happens to have larger oil reserves than Venezuela.

COINCIDENCE?!!!!

Anyway, Arthur Goldwag has a nice sampling of HAARP conspiracies here. You might as well believe them, seeing as how – if Massachusetts is anything to go by – the Democrats are doomed and by the end of the year Congress will be run by the Tea Party, which thinks Obama is conspiring with Interpol to make America a haven for terrorists.

Shaken not stirred,

This is dF

THE TEACHES OF BATMAN: A PLAY IN ONE ACT

ITEM: Someone has gone and collected all the lines in Batman (the TV series) where Batman imparts wisdom to young Dick Grayson.

Sample lessons:

Batman: "Better put 5 cents in the meter."
Robin: "No policeman's going to give the Batmobile a ticket."
Batman: "This money goes to building better roads. We all must do our part."

Batman: "Go back outside and calm the flower children."
Robin: "They'll mob me!"
Batman: "Groovy."

Great stuff, but reading through it, it occurred to me that the collection works even better if you read it as one complete scene rather than a collection of excerpts.

For example:

Batman: "Better put 5 cents in the meter."
Robin: "No policeman's going to give the Batmobile a ticket."
Batman: "This money goes to building better roads. We all must do our part."
Robin: "Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!"
Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
Robin: "Not at all?"
Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."
Robin: "Holy molars! Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!"
Batman: "True. You owe your life to dental hygiene."
Bruce: "Yes, Dick, your bird calls are close to perfect. If more people practiced them, someday we might have a chance for real communication with our feathered friends."
Dick: "In that case I think I'll polish up my ruby-crowned kinglet and my rose-breasted yellow-tailed grouse-beak calls. Sorry, I'm not interested in dance lessons."
Bruce: "Wait a minute, Dick. The junior prom's coming up, isn't it?"
Dick: "Yes, but..."
Bruce: "Well, we don't want you to be a wallflower, do we? Dancing is an integral part of every young man's education."
Dick: "Gosh Bruce, you're right."
Batman: "When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species."
Robin: "I guess you can never trust a woman."
Batman: "You've made a hasty generalization, Robin. It's a bad habit to get into."
Robin: "That's an impossible shot, Batman."
Batman: "That's a negative attitude, Robin."

See? It’s a brilliant found radio drama script waiting to happen.

Holy serendipity,

This is dF

THE DICTIONARY: OFFICIALLY TOO OBSCENE FOR MENIFEE, CALIFORNIA

Anyone got some Tylenol?

It’s just that I’ve been repeatedly beating my skull against the desk after seeing this:

ITEM [via nebris ]: Menifee Union School District officials decide to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition dictionary from all school shelves after a parent complained about an elementary school student finding the term "oral sex" in it.

I shouldn’t be surprised, I know. After all, it’s not the first time parents have wanted to ban dictionaries.

The thing is, I don’t really  blame the one (1) person who flipped out over a word in the dictionary so much as I blame the school officials who instantly caved in to this person’s demand instead of coming up with a more appropriate and reasonable response.

Like, I dunno, something like: “Are you f***ing kidding me? It’s the f***ing dictionary. People don’t read them cover to cover. Get the f*** out of my office.”

Yes, I know, that’s asking a lot. I just wish, for once, when a school decides to pull a book, it was because the majority of parents complained and not just ONE F***ING PERSON. Christ, if that’s the criteria, I could organize a one-man campaign to have Donald Trump’s The Art Of The Deal removed from every library in America.

Anyway, the school board is now “reviewing” the decision. Here’s hoping some punk kid doesn’t go looking up “fruit bat”, or we'll never hear the end of it.

Putting the “dick” in “dictionary”,

This is dF