I HAD TOO MUCH TO DREAM LAST NIGHT

I am in Los Angeles testing muscle cars with the Top Gear crew. My Dodge Charger is stuck in a gully, and Jeremy Clarkson is standing at the edge laughing at me, dressed in nothing but an untied bathrobe and with a girl on each arm. I tell him he’s showing his cock to millions of viewers.

“No I’m not,” he barks as he lobs mango wine coolers into the gully.

Then we are attacked by giant prehistoric centipedes.

Later, the narrative shifts to a Pirates Of The Caribbean episode in which Captain Barbosa, William Turner and I are leading a raid on a telecoms conference in a four-star hotel in Singapore. I’m actually a double agent in this endeavor, trying to stay a step ahead to help the delegates evacuate to safety. Naturally, the delegates are slow to react, thinking it’s all part of the entertainment.

We escape through a series of ballrooms and end up in a hotel bar owned by a major software magnate played by Jeff Bridges. He tells us not to worry about the pirates, he knows some people …

Also, somewhere in here I end up on a date with Kylie Minogue. Trust me to wake up just when things were getting interesting.

Yo ho ho,

This is dF