![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Political commentary from Team Def Batshit Affairs editor Lucky Bensonhurst, who filed this report two weeks ago. Publication was delayed due to legal clearance issues on the advice of our attorney, Lou Heineken. We apologize for the delay.
December 5, 2011:
One of the downsides of being a political junkie is that there is no such thing as the holidays during an election year. Which normally suits me fine, as I have as much use for Christmas as a shark has use for a weed-whacker. (Take it from me – sharks do not give a fuck about lawn grooming.)
Still, it does mean that I can’t sit down in my favorite dive and enjoy a bourbon eggnog with a traditional side order of ravioli without being accosted by political strategists, campaign directors and media hacks. Especially in a weird election year like this.
Truly. Andrew Breitbart did it just now. Walked right up to my booth, collapsed in it and began pounding the table helplessly.
“Bensonhurst!” he snarled. “What the fuck is WRONG with this campaign?
“You’ll have to be more fucking specific,” I advised him. “Also, don’t even think about touching my fucking ravioli. It is sacred.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Breitbart wailed. “Haven’t you heard? Herman Cain just suspended his campaign. He babbled something about distractions and Pokemon and just quit! Do you realize what this means? Have you seen the fucking polls?” He leaned forward across the table, his eyes spiraling wildly in his head like some savage cartoon. “NEWT GINGRICH!”
I shrugged. “He’s yr problem, not mine. Yr Tea Party minions are the ones who can’t stomach Mittens and refuse to compromise on anyone to the left of Sean Hannity. You’ve tried Bachmann, Perry and Cain, and they all blew it, and Palin and Huckabee are smart enough to stick to their million-dollar day jobs.”
“That’s not our fault! They were all doing fine until the goddamn liberal media –”
That’s when I threw him physically out of the booth. I may be paid to listen to half-assed partisan conspiracy theories, but I am not paid to take them seriously.
Which isn’t to say the spectacle of conservatives dithering over GOP candidates hasn’t been grimly amusing. It’s hard to remember a time – apart from perhaps 2008 – when any political party machine was more reluctant to back the candidate that seems like their best bet.
But then that’s what you get for sleeping with extremist dingbats and letting them move into yr apartment.
It’s hard not to wonder how Mitt Romney feels about the Anyone But Mitt meme that’s governed most of the GOP race so far. It’s like being told by yr boyfriend/girlfriend, “Look, I do love you, I really do – I just think we should see other people, is all. And it’s not because yr Mormon – not exactly.”
As for Gingrich … well, why not? All the other hard-ass Not-Romney conservative candidates have had their shot, and now that it’s time to scrape the bottom of the barrel, it’s either Rick Santorum (who has no chance because no one can Google his name without giggling anymore), Jon Huntsman (basically Mitt Romney’s smarter, less popular body double), or Ron Paul (who is, as usual, a figment of yr imagination). Gingrich at least is a fighter with a ton of experience. He does tend to put his foot in his mouth, but the only GOP candidates who haven’t done that this season are polling below 5%.
So in that sense, the Newt Surge should surprise no one – especially not after 2008, when everyone was convinced that it would come down to Hillary vs Giuliani. Remember too that in mid-2007, John McCain’s campaign was declared as dead as Newt’s campaign was earlier this year. Like McCain, Newt has the benefit of a fractured base that just can’t decide what it wants in a candidate, apart from being able to beat the Democrats like a gong.
Unlike McCain, Newt does not have a “scrappy underdog” card he can play. Also unlike McCain, the best Newt can hope for at this stage is replacing Romney as the “Anyone But …” candidate, though it is getting a little late in the game for that. Still, I wouldn’t underestimate the capacity of the Tea Party to convince the GOP that you can win on a hard-ass no-compromise conservative ticket, and that they don’t need the mod vote to take the White House.
Which is, by any measure, delusional. Mock-election polls show Obama beating both Mitt (47-45%) and Newt (50-41%). Which means little in an electoral college system, granted. And Obama’s fortunes, such as they are, could change drastically in the next six months.
But I seriously doubt they’ll change to the point where anyone in the GOP field will command a big enough lead that they can win without the swing mods on-side. Which is why at some point the Tea Party commanders are going to have to decide who they’d rather have as president – Obama, or Any Republican They Can Get.
“Sorry about that, Mr Bensonhurst,” said the waitress as she brought me a complimentary replacement bowl of ravioli.
“Hazards of the profession,” I shrugged. “Think nothing of it.”
The waitress hovered.
“Just out of curiosity, Mr Bensonhurst, who do you think has the best chance of defeating Obama?”
“Marvin E. Quasniki,” I smiled grimly.
The waitress looked at me uncertainly. “Isn’t he a Muppet?”
“Indeed he is,” I nodded as I sipped my eggnog. “And he may be our only hope."
L. Bensonhurst
December 5, 2011:
One of the downsides of being a political junkie is that there is no such thing as the holidays during an election year. Which normally suits me fine, as I have as much use for Christmas as a shark has use for a weed-whacker. (Take it from me – sharks do not give a fuck about lawn grooming.)
Still, it does mean that I can’t sit down in my favorite dive and enjoy a bourbon eggnog with a traditional side order of ravioli without being accosted by political strategists, campaign directors and media hacks. Especially in a weird election year like this.
Truly. Andrew Breitbart did it just now. Walked right up to my booth, collapsed in it and began pounding the table helplessly.
“Bensonhurst!” he snarled. “What the fuck is WRONG with this campaign?
“You’ll have to be more fucking specific,” I advised him. “Also, don’t even think about touching my fucking ravioli. It is sacred.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Breitbart wailed. “Haven’t you heard? Herman Cain just suspended his campaign. He babbled something about distractions and Pokemon and just quit! Do you realize what this means? Have you seen the fucking polls?” He leaned forward across the table, his eyes spiraling wildly in his head like some savage cartoon. “NEWT GINGRICH!”
I shrugged. “He’s yr problem, not mine. Yr Tea Party minions are the ones who can’t stomach Mittens and refuse to compromise on anyone to the left of Sean Hannity. You’ve tried Bachmann, Perry and Cain, and they all blew it, and Palin and Huckabee are smart enough to stick to their million-dollar day jobs.”
“That’s not our fault! They were all doing fine until the goddamn liberal media –”
That’s when I threw him physically out of the booth. I may be paid to listen to half-assed partisan conspiracy theories, but I am not paid to take them seriously.
Which isn’t to say the spectacle of conservatives dithering over GOP candidates hasn’t been grimly amusing. It’s hard to remember a time – apart from perhaps 2008 – when any political party machine was more reluctant to back the candidate that seems like their best bet.
But then that’s what you get for sleeping with extremist dingbats and letting them move into yr apartment.
It’s hard not to wonder how Mitt Romney feels about the Anyone But Mitt meme that’s governed most of the GOP race so far. It’s like being told by yr boyfriend/girlfriend, “Look, I do love you, I really do – I just think we should see other people, is all. And it’s not because yr Mormon – not exactly.”
As for Gingrich … well, why not? All the other hard-ass Not-Romney conservative candidates have had their shot, and now that it’s time to scrape the bottom of the barrel, it’s either Rick Santorum (who has no chance because no one can Google his name without giggling anymore), Jon Huntsman (basically Mitt Romney’s smarter, less popular body double), or Ron Paul (who is, as usual, a figment of yr imagination). Gingrich at least is a fighter with a ton of experience. He does tend to put his foot in his mouth, but the only GOP candidates who haven’t done that this season are polling below 5%.
So in that sense, the Newt Surge should surprise no one – especially not after 2008, when everyone was convinced that it would come down to Hillary vs Giuliani. Remember too that in mid-2007, John McCain’s campaign was declared as dead as Newt’s campaign was earlier this year. Like McCain, Newt has the benefit of a fractured base that just can’t decide what it wants in a candidate, apart from being able to beat the Democrats like a gong.
Unlike McCain, Newt does not have a “scrappy underdog” card he can play. Also unlike McCain, the best Newt can hope for at this stage is replacing Romney as the “Anyone But …” candidate, though it is getting a little late in the game for that. Still, I wouldn’t underestimate the capacity of the Tea Party to convince the GOP that you can win on a hard-ass no-compromise conservative ticket, and that they don’t need the mod vote to take the White House.
Which is, by any measure, delusional. Mock-election polls show Obama beating both Mitt (47-45%) and Newt (50-41%). Which means little in an electoral college system, granted. And Obama’s fortunes, such as they are, could change drastically in the next six months.
But I seriously doubt they’ll change to the point where anyone in the GOP field will command a big enough lead that they can win without the swing mods on-side. Which is why at some point the Tea Party commanders are going to have to decide who they’d rather have as president – Obama, or Any Republican They Can Get.
“Sorry about that, Mr Bensonhurst,” said the waitress as she brought me a complimentary replacement bowl of ravioli.
“Hazards of the profession,” I shrugged. “Think nothing of it.”
The waitress hovered.
“Just out of curiosity, Mr Bensonhurst, who do you think has the best chance of defeating Obama?”
“Marvin E. Quasniki,” I smiled grimly.
The waitress looked at me uncertainly. “Isn’t he a Muppet?”
“Indeed he is,” I nodded as I sipped my eggnog. “And he may be our only hope."
L. Bensonhurst
