I HAD TOO MUCH TO DREAM LAST NIGHT (PUBLIC SEX EDITION)

I am attending a night gathering in my village in an open pavilion lit by portable floodlights. In the shadows teenagers are trying to make it with each other, under the impression that no one can see them. I heckle them: “We can still SEE you, Romeo!” but of course they ignore me.

Outrage ensues. The local district representative commands a podium on the far side of the pavilion and vows to pass an ordinance making public oral sex illegal. An argument breaks out over (1) whether that’s already illegal and therefore a pointless gesture and (2) why stop at oral sex? “If you just ban blowjobs, these damn horny teenagers will go straight to intercourse and butt sex in the streets!” says one concerned parent.

At this point a group led by celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey storms the pavilion and holds a demonstration mocking the whole thing, staging exaggerated public oral sex scenes with phallic props and over-the-top ejaculations simulated by everything from champagne bottles to whipped cream spray cans.

For the pièce de résistance, Gordon has rigged up a fire-extinguisher spout to a two-stroke motor, creating a pump that can spray whipped cream in spurts up to 100 meters. He chases his cohorts around the pavilion with it. Some women in the crowd are so offended by the spectacle that they refuse to look, even though it’s explained to them that it’s only a simulation.

And then I woke up.

We’re gonna need a mop,

This is dF

I’M READING AS FAST AS I CAN (MARCH 2014 EDITION)

The book reports, they are here.

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Casino Royale by Ian Fleming

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I should probably start by pointing out a few things:

1. This is my first attempt at reading any of the Bond books.
2. I bought a copy of Casino Royale to fulfill a Buy 2 Get 1 Free offer.
3. Knowing full well that the film franchise never followed the books that closely, I was curious to see Bond as his author intended.

In that respect, it was educational, and the story itself is pretty good, though the ending is a bit hammy. The two-star rating is the result of two things: (1) Fleming’s tendency to over-describe characters and settings in detail, and (2) doing it in a way that sounds like a luxury snob bragging about how much he knows about Bentleys, martinis and Baccarat. I understand why Fleming wrote Bond the way he did, why the details matter, and why the series was a hit, but I find tedious to the point of interfering with the story. I know Bond is more of a hitman than a proper spy, so the comparison is unfair, but I get a lot more enjoyment out of Len Deighton’s Harry Palmer/Bernard Samson espionage novels than I did from this.


The Human Factor by Graham Greene

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Another subtle espionage tale from Greene, this one from the late 70s. The premise is familiar – MI6 has discovered a leak in Section 6A, but is it Maurice Castle, the quiet senior man in charge, or his flamboyant assistant Davis? And what if they suspect the wrong man? – but Greene’s take is focused less on action and more on the psychology of the characters involved, from Castle and his African wife Sarah to Daintry (the security chief tasked with rooting out the double agent) and Dr Percival (the ice-cold senior official for whom assassination is just a tool in a toolbox to solve a problem). It’s a brilliant exploration of what it must be like to be a double agent, particularly one who is not motivated by politics or money, but love and gratitude, and yet well paced enough to keep the espionage angle going.



The Big Short: Inside The Doomsday Machine by Michael Lewis

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I’ve sort of had Michael Lewis on my radar for awhile after a couple of friends recommended him, even though books about Wall Street aren’t really my bag. But having recently read a book on the 2008 financial crisis this one caught my eye. It focuses on a handful of investors who not only saw the 2008 financial meltdown coming, but also bet their money on it – and made millions. It’s an interesting story with a cast of colorful characters, but it does require wading through a lot of financial terminology and acronyms. If nothing else, it makes a nice companion book to Bethany McLean and Joseph Nocera’s All The Devils Are Here.



How to Win an Election: An Ancient Guide for Modern Politicians by Quintus Tullius Cicero

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The title is self-explanatory. Essentially it’s a letter written by Quintus Tullius Cicero to his brother Marcus, who was running for the office of consul of the Roman Republic, advising him on the finer points of political campaigning. It’s a short and educational read (depending on how much you know about ancient Rome), and it will sound remarkably familiar to anyone who follows politics seriously enough to become as cynical about it as I have. For that reason alone, I can’t recommend it enough, though I admit I’m not sure if it’s troubling or comforting to know that election campaigns have been based on mudslinging, empty promises and kissing up to the wealthy and powerful for over 2,000 years. Still, this should be required reading for high school students.


Only You Can Save Mankind by Terry Pratchett

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I’m on and off with Pratchett’s Discworld books, but I do like reading him, and I picked this up at a charity book sale to see how Pratchett does at YA fiction. The answer: pretty good. The story idea is deceptively simple: Johnny Maxwell, age 12, is playing a computer game that involves defending Earth from an alien Starfleet. Unexpectedly, they surrender, after which the line between reality and gamespace get very blurred indeed. I confess I didn’t find the story especially engaging. It’s probably because I’m too old, and/or because I find the Discworld books an overall richer experience in comparison. Still, Pratchett makes up for that with a third act that makes for a decent payoff, and by working in an amazing amount of genre-specific references (without directly naming any of them) and using them to critique videogame violence and coverage of the 1991 Iraq War. Pretty good for a kids’ book.


The Green Eagle Score by Richard Stark

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The tenth book in the Parker series, in which Parker is called in on a plan to steal the payroll from an Air Force base. The hitch – and there always is one – is an uneasy love triangle between Marty Fusco (the pro who contacted Parker about the job), Stan Devers (the amateur inside man) and Ellen Fusco (Marty’s neurotic ex-wife, who is now shacking up with Devers). About halfway through Stark lets you know what’s coming, but still manages to put enough of a twist in it to keep you guessing how it’s going to play out. Nicely done, as usual.


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How to steal a million,

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