ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY THE ONLY POST I’M EVER GOING TO DO ABOUT ELIOT SPITZER

Yawn.

Well, all right, there’s the usual irony that he built his career putting prostitution rings out of business – but that’s not news, that’s Republican bipartisan SOP. The only news there is that he wasn’t hiring gay prostitutes.

[Or has Bill Maher done that joke already? Surely he’s done the one about, “Well now we know where rich people have been reinvesting their tax cuts back into the economy.”]

And so on.

Anyway, there’s only four things worth knowing about the big “Eliot Spitzer Hires Emperor Club Girls Because He Wants Only The BEST” scandal.

1. Prostitution has totally gone Web 2.0. Remember in the old analog days when hookers didn’t come with social networking and customer ratings apart from what yr Army roommate told you about Juarez (and he was lying)?



2. If it wasn’t for the Patriot Act, Spitzer would still be the governor. Probably. Which means if Congress legalizes the NSA Total Information Awareness scheme, you may be seeing a lot more of these headlines than they were banking on. Whoops!

3. If you do the math (as popfiend has done), Eliot Spitzer is no more of a sex addict than the rest of us. Yr relieved to know this, I'm sure.

4. The big question that everyone wants to know the answer to, and the one they’re afraid to ask on CNN: just what do you get for $4,300? The Washington Post scoops Neil "Hooters" Cavuto.

Okay, I’m done. Moving on.

Sex sells,

This is dF

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EDITED [3.14.08]: Correction: Okay, so he's a Democrat, not a Republican. Still not news, though it does explain why Spitzer preferred hot females to hoy gay dudes. Unless you count the "Spitzer was totally set up by the Bush Posse" revelations now exploding all over the pants of the Liberal Bologosphere®, Oh well, if it makes life more entertaining, why not?

YR DOING IT WRONG

Cross-posted from thewhyfive. This week’s list: Top Five Pet Peeves!

This one kind of writes itself, me being a cranky malcontented misanthrope and all.

TOP FIVE THINGS THAT ARE THE OPPOSITE OF DEF

1. Public displays of affection
Holding hands is fine. Snuggling and smooching and whispering sweet nothings like yr in a Celine Dion video is out. Give me some public nudity and nipple-sucking and I’ll let it go. Otherwise, get a room or put on a better show, you self-centered drama queens.

2. Umbrella nazis
By which I mean people who walk with their umbrellas open under shelter that umbrella-less people like me could be using to stay out of the rain but can’t because of all the people with umbrellas blocking my way. WRONG! If you have an umbrella, YOU get out there in the rain! That’s what it’s for!

3. Ambiguous queuing
Example: you go up to a fast food counter with five cash registers open, and instead of five lines, you’ve got a clusterfuck of people who might be in this line or that line depending on which one they think is gonna move faster. WRONG! Fuck you and yr bet-hedging – pick a line, get in it and take yr chances like the rest of us.

4. ATM double dipping
When the card comes out of the ATM, yr done. You do NOT get to stick it back in again unless the reason is related to ATM interface design (because I know sometimes you need to do a follow-up transaction after withdrawing cash, which you can’t complete until you remove the card). And if you stick a DIFFERENT card in, God have mercy on you because I won’t.

5. Dittohead logic
I love a good sociopolitical argument, but if yr idea of defending yr position (or foisting it upon me) is to repeat whatever slogans or talking points you heard on the radio or read in an email or saw on a website instead of actually thinking yr opinion through – especially when yr source is someone who not only just makes a bunch of shit up but is also well known for it – fuck off and never waste my time again. NOTE: This applies to everyone regardless of political affiliation.

Honorable mention: Drama queens, talking in the movie theatre, and when people wear vintage concert t-shirts of bands they’ve never been to see and in fact can’t name a single song by them.

You drive me crazy,

This is dF