SHAOLIN CHIROPRACTOR: A ROMANCE

March is a month of anniversaries for me. The Ides Of March, of course, marked the third anniversary of my award-winning debut in the field of bloggery. March 21 marked the completion of my 12th year in Hong Kong. And yesterday, March 27, marked the 11th year that the bride and I had ourselves institutionalized.

We’d intended to take a couple of days off and hole up in a Chinese hot spring somewhere. But there were scheduling complications. And we don’t have that kind of money at the moment.

So instead, we celebrated locally and did the traditional things yr supposed to do on yr 11th anniversary. We went to Tsuen Wan to have our spines readjusted. Then we hit the discount sushi bars by the wet market in Causeway Bay, with mixed results. Then we wrapped things up with Thai beer and rum shots on the rooftop bar at the ferry pier, and caught the ferry home to watch the Lingerie Channel and play Asphalt 3: Street Rules (both of which, naturally, are more fun after an evening of rooftop rum shots).

Not a bad way to spend the evening.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: The spinal readjustment involves sticking 6-inch acupuncture needles in yr ass. Relaxes the spine muscles, you see.

I have to have this done every 18 months or so. My spine gets twisted to the point where my posture is something like a freeway offramp. (I’d tell you how, but it would probably violate LJ’s Terms Of Service Agreement, and I am nothing if not a man of my word.) The positive side is that my chiropractor, Dr Kenny “Spinal Cracker” Chan has a sense of humor.

A typical session goes like this:

He strips off my pants, puts me in front of a mirror, pokes my hip bones with a calipers and says, “See how one is higher than the other? That’s WRONG! They should be symmetrical, like mine!”

He takes off his pants and shows me. “See? I don’t have a Donald Duck ass! Not like you! But yr ass is huge, so you can’t help it! I know these things! I am a doctor!”

He grabs a towel and twists it furiously. “Yr muscles are like this! I will make them like this!” He untwists the towel, tosses it aside and adopts a Shaolin Kung Fu Horse Stance.

“Yr spine should be straight, like this!” he declares. “That way you can be attacked from all four sides and still keep yr balance! If yr spine is crooked, you’ll be top-heavy and fall over! Do you want to fall over when yr being attacked from all sides? FUCK NO! Now lay down while my insanely cute assistant prepares the needle!”

And so on.

Big fun. Anyway, it’s nice to walk without a limp again.

PRODUCTION NOTE: The Dr Chan segment contains some comic exaggeration. But I’m not kidding about the 6-inch needle. Or the bit about the Shaolin Kung Fu Horse Stance. This is why Dr Chan is my favorite doctor.

Walking hard,

This is dF

dEF FR0G’S OWN DOUBLE ENTRY

This just in from our travel agent:




Okay, that can’t be good.

I would assume that it’s somehow related to the Tibet Problem. Because it’s hard to spin the status of an entire province when people can just come and go.

We’ve been watching the Chinese Govt stage-manage Tibet on TV after the riots. After they kicked out all the reporters, they’re now showing carefully selected footage and issuing strange stories of rioters who willingly gave themselves up to police and confessed their heinous crimes against the Han Chinese, while CCTV presenters are vehemently denouncing the Dalai Lama for orchestrating the whole thing.

As you may have heard, they’ve been very carefully letting reporters back into Tibet (by invitation only) and shepherding them around – and it hasn’t gone as well as they’d hoped.

Which is wonderful. I’ve lived here long enough to know a professional CCCP media snow job when I see one, and because it’s so blatantly one-sided, it’s hard to imagine who they think they’re fooling besides their own people and possibly themselves. My own pet theory is that they’ve not used to having to fool international media – especially when something as big as the Olympics is at stake – and they’re resorting to the old-school tactics for lack of any better ideas. So it’s nice to see it flop spectacularly.

Anyway, good thing I got my double-entry visa before Tibet happened. I’d get a multiple-entry visa (which I do need for work purposes), but unfortunately, I’m a journalist, and I’m listed in their flag database, which means I can’t get one without going to the China Embassy in person and spending God knows how much time there to deal with the paperwork. I have first-hand experience with Chinese govt bureaucracy, and trust me, it takes up at least four hours of yr time.

Persona non grata,

This is dF

DOCTOR DOCTOR, GIMME THE NEWS

For those of you who miss Weekly World News, there’s always the next best thing: the Fox News health section.



That screen shot’s already out of date, but it’s pretty representative of Fox’s “there's no such thing as TOO sensational” editorial policy. Except it doesn’t include Fox News’ official sexologist, Dr Yvonne K. Fulbright.



She’s from Iceland, you know. Which is technically un-American, but she IS qualified. Oh, and she has a bunch of degrees in human sexuality and stuff.

Bet Neil “More Than A Mouthful” Cavuto hired her, though.

Anyway, it’s a fairly unintentionally amusing place to spend a coffee break. Perhaps one of you can explain what is this “Dr Manny” (bedsitter23). Is he like Dr Phil’s brother or something?

We diagnose, you decide,

This is dF