REAL ULTIMATE POWER IS SHUTTING DOWN EVERY SCHOOL IN THE F***ING CITY!

ITEM: Public schools in Barnegat, NJ were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school. The “ninja” was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword on his way to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.

That’s how weird the whole War On Teh Terrors has become – no one uses common sense to assess potential threats. I mean, honestly – it’s not hard to tell the difference between a real ninja and a guy dressed like one for a party.

HOW TO SPOT A NINJA

If it’s real ninja, there’d be no one to report it to the police because the only time you see a ninja is right before he flips out and kills you. And that’s if yr lucky. Therefore, if you see a ninja and you live to report it, it wasn’t a real ninja.



EVERYONE knows that.

Ninjas are sweet,

This is dF

THE JESSE HELMS LOVE CONNECTION

I have been resisting temptation to post anything on the death of Jesse Helms – partly because anything I could possibly say about him has been blogged already, and partly because I try not to speak ill of the freshly deceased, no matter how much it might be justified by the facts. And it’s virtually impossible to write anything positive about someone like Helms – unless you buy into his politics, maybe.

I never did. Indeed, Helms stood for pretty much everything I opposed. Helms stood for just about everything stupid, greedy and ugly in the human condition. I often considered his political success to be a sign that America was doomed to be mired in atavistic Jesus-fueled xenophobia. Some might argue that you have to respect Helms at least for standing by his convictions and being unafraid to say what he thought. Yes. Well, so did Hitler.

But no matter. As a semi-professional blogger, it is my responsibility to bring balance to the Force. And so I will now attempt the impossible by posting a positive Jesse Helms obit. Because he did actually accomplish one good thing in his dirty life and times.

Which was this:

At the start of 1997, one of the bigger international news stories was the coming handover of Hong Kong to China. And, because China was run by Gawdamn Commies, there was much hand-wringing and fist-shaking by US conservatives about the fate of HK. Helms – who was head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and who adamently referred to China as “Red China” in the same way that conservatives today make a point of saying Barack HUSSEIN! Obama’s full name – naturally took the pessimist stance that HK would be overrun by tanks and replace Beijing as the well-funded new capital of Red China.

At this time, I was in Hong Kong and living in sin with my girlfriend and her mom. Katie and I were a firm Couple by this time, having been together for a couple of years, but neither of us were in a big hurry to talk marriage, as we didn’t believe you needed a govt stamp to be in a committed relationship.

And one night in February as we watched the news, a story came up that Helms was deeply concerned that one of the results of the coming Commie Takeover would be a deluge of Hong Kong women marrying American expats to get a green card so they could flee to the states. Which was bad for America, apparently. So, the story went, Helms had proposed a law that said any Hong Kong woman who married an American after April 1, 1997 would not get an automatic domestic visa, and would be treated like any other Red Chinese natonal trying to get into the US (i.e. with derision, suspicion and deportation).

Katie and I looked at the calendar, then at each other, and said, “Well, that doesn’t give us much time.”

We were married on March 27th. Our reasoning was that, whatever we thought of marriage as an institution, we were both sure we wanted to stay together, and that if I ever had to move back to the states, I wanted her to come with me. (Katie was also influenced by the fact that even with a BNO passport, it took her four tries to get a US student visa in the early 90s.)

Naturally, the legislation never passed. It never came up for a vote, actually. I’m not sure Helms ever even wrote it up – it was just another case of him mouthing off about the Yellow Peril and how nonwhite foreign women want to marry Americans just so they can get in the country and then get divorced and either steal American jobs or live on welfare or whatever the fuck it was that Jesse was so alarmed about.

But the fact remains: Jesse Helms’ waterheaded racist xenophobia is the reason I have been happily maried for the past 11+ years.

Cheers, Jesse.

Love is strange,

This is dF

"THE FLIGHT OF THE ENOLA HOMOSEXUAL" AND OTHER TALES

Speaking of Jesse Helms:

ITEM: The American Family Association’s OneNewsNow site apparently has a policy of auto-replacing the word “gay” with the word “homosexual” in any of the AP stories they run.

Which has led to stories like this:



That should be Tyson GAY, of course.

The story has since been corrected, according to Right Wing Watch (who blogged this first), but I’m wondering if this might not be a weird hoax.

OneNewsNow is certainly real enough. But why filter stories by replacing “gay” with “homosexual”? I’m having trouble working out the rationale for that, even from a God-bothering homophobe perspective. They don’t explain it in the FAQ.

Maybe it’s the same conservative logic behind calling Barack HUSSEIN! Obama by his full name – maybe “homosexual” sounds worse than “gay”. Maybe they think that America wouldn’t be so tolerant of gays if we called them “homosexual” instead of “gay”. Maybe it’s one of those deals where they want to reclaim the word “gay” which the homosexuals ruined for straight people everywhere – especially ones named Gay.

Like Tyson Gay.

So surely this can’t be real? It would be easy enough to fake ...

Oh, who am I kidding? This is the same dingbat group that dithers over the new Girl Scout Radicalism and celebrated July 4th with a news report that the Declaration Of Independence is actually “more a submission to God than an assertion of rights”. They’re more than demented enough to come up with an auto-replace scheme like this.

Speak more evil,

This is dF

BINGE-DRINKING OTTERS IN PETALUMA!

ITEM: Two river otters went on a weekend tear in Petaluma, stopping at Mario & John’s Tavern and an auto parts store.

Which is worth mentioning in part because of the thought of otters stopping at a tavern for a tall cool one amuses me, and because it’s an excuse to run this pic.



The only way you could improve upon this story is if the local Sheriff’s office raised the Terrorism Threat Level to “Elevated”. Which it would have if this had happened in, say, Boston. Or Barnegat, NJ.

Nice to know bluesgirly is keeping them in line in Petaluma. Cos she’d totally kickbox ‘em all the way to Santa Rosa if they didn’t behave. Or worse, take their donuts away and make them eat celery.

Otters ROOL,

This is dF