HOW TO STUFF A WILD BIKINI

1. Get a bikini.

2. Call Annette Funicello Helen Mirren.

3. Stuff.

4. Alert every news agency on the planet to cover the breaking “news” that Helen Mirren is 63 and yet STILL somehow manages to look good in a bikini.

I confess, I wasn’t going to post anything on the “OMG OMG Helen Mirrin Looks Great In Bikini For Someone, You Know, Her Age” thing. All the hoopla annoyed me, because almost all of it seemed fueled by the unspoken truism that most people that age should NEVER wear bikinis because they are ugly and therefore unwelcome in our society. Fuck that. America’s forefathers fought for the freedom to wear what you want to the beach/pool at any age. It’s in the Constitution. I’m pretty sure of that.

That said, it IS an illustrative example of the social significance we still attach to the concept of a two-piece swimsuit for ladies.

Enough has been written on the sexual politics and pop culture impact of the bikini. The fact that it had its own film genre in the 60s speaks volumes. Admittedly, so does the fact that LG named its KF600 mobile phone the Bikini for the sole purpose of having an excuse to put bikini models in its ads.

But it’s interesting that 3,400 years since the concept first surfaced in human civilization, we still have arguments over things like who’s entitled to wear them, and if they’re wearing them for The Right Reasons.

Take this piece in the Washington Post (written by a woman, you may like to know) about three 16-year-olds shopping for bikinis, and what they take into consideration when buying one. Comfort, image, guys – the usual.

Even more telling is this commentary by the editor of the National Review (also a woman):

This Washington Post piece on three 16-year-old girls shopping for bikinis in Tyson's Corner is begging for a dad to be on the scene. Mom's no help — one of them provides financial assistance because a teenage girl just has to have a bikini, you know. "Bikinis are more popular because they're sexier. They draw a guy's attention." Where's dad to just say no?

Typical, isn’t it? Publish a piece where teenage girls are actually bothering to discuss questions about the social pressures and perceived sexual subtext involved in something as simple as buying swimwear in the context of a culture still driven by narrowly-defined superficiality, and all the editor of the National Review can say is, “Why isn’t Dad there putting a stop to these shenanigans like he should before they end up in a Girls Gone Wild video or something?”

And they wonder why abstinence-only sex ed doesn’t work. But then we’re talking about a nation that collectively freaks out and demand Congressional action when one of Janet Jackson’s nipples appear on TV for, like, three whole seconds, so who am I to be critical?

Don’t touch my bikini,

This is dF