YOUTUBE SURVIVOR SERIES #78: ALL HAT, NO RABBIT

For no other reason than that this popped up on the iPod this afternoon and I thought you should hear it too. Because Warren Zevon really was genius, you know.

"Muppets Tonight - Almost Captain Sulu" (Watch on YouTube)

Step right up,

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#9 HOWARD JONES DREAM

And now, Thomas Dolby – whom you may remember from the 1980s – relays possibly the greatest celebrity dream ever:

Last night I dreamed I hired Howard Jones for a keyboard session at a big studio (Abbey Rd? Real World?) We were getting ready for him and setting up all my old keyboards—the Fairlight, the PPG. I was worried because they had been in storage for so long. Someone came in and said ‘Howard’s juicers are here–where should be put them?’ (For some reason I knew his ‘juicers’ were not electric blenders, they were people to make his fruit juice.) I hooked up the PPG Wave 2.2 and played a chord. It was a long backwards sample that I could not make out. Then I looked at its little LED screen and all the text was back to front. At first I thought this was because its patches were garbled after all this time. Then I realised it does that when you play a backwards sample—it’s a little German in-joke.

Eventually Howard arrived. He was very friendly and looked great, in fact just like 1983. But we were both wearing identical green corduroy jackets. This was embarassing but being English neither of us felt able to mention it. Then I woke up.

FUN FACT: These days, Dolby is also a high-tech businessman. He’s founded a number of start-ups like Beatnik, which makes audio engines for mobile devices (which is what makes the MP3s on yr mobile phone sound decent) I know this because the magazine I work for covers stuff like this. I’m hoping this will someday enable me to actually meet him.

If not, I’ll settle for Dave Dederer of The Presidents Of The United States Of America (whom you may remember from the 1990s) – he's vice president of business development at Melodeo, which runs a mobile music service called nuTsie.

Dream on,

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MY STEWARDESS KNOWS KUNG FU

ITEM: The Association of Flight Attendants is lobbying the US Congress to implement more stringent in-flight security measures that include mandatory hand-to-hand combat training for all crew members.

Which would make a great early 70s sexploitation film, wouldn't it?

Of course it would..



It sounds funny, of course, but it’s actually a good idea. Most of the kinds of terrorist attacks they’re likely to face could be thwarted by someone who knows how to fight and subdue someone. It’s how Richard Reid and Mr SizzlePants were stopped, anyway. And it arguably might have stopped at least a couple of the 9/11 planes. It would certainly save more lives than the things we currently do – ban liquids, inspect shoes, force everyone to sit for the last hour of the flight, etc.

That said, the AFA is lobbying Congress for a few other things:
 

• Equip flight attendants with portable communications devices so they can speak to the pilots during emergencies.
• Standardize the size of carry-on luggage so that flight attendants can look for suspicious passengers instead of struggling with oversized bags.
• Shut down onboard wireless Internet during high-threat periods to prevent terrorists from communicating with collaborators on the ground.

 

The first one is sensible. The second is probably not realistic. And the third is close to useless as a security measure.

For a start, a “high-threat period” could mean anything (and under the Bush admin, frequently did). Airlines have already been slow to enable Wi-Fi on planes just from the cost factors alone – they're not going to install it just to be told by the DHS to shut it off for the next three months because we're at Code Orange.

More importantly, not a single airplane terror attack has ever relied on someone on the plane communicating with someone on the ground via an Internet connection to pull it off, and I can’t think of a feasible plan that would make use of it, or at least one where disabling the Wi-Fi would foil the entire plan. What's the point of inconveniencing passengers to guard against a possible attack that is already implausible, let alone statistically unlikely?

The combat training is a good idea, though. Of course, once that happens, the trade-off is that we’re ultimately going to see a news story of some flight attendant enforcing the “fasten yr seat belt” sign a little too vigorously. Or punching out imams for praying or something.

FUN FACT: China’s Sichuan Airlines started doing this four years ago.

Taste my fist,

This is dF

IRAQ: THE LOST YEARS

In case some of you missed it, here’s what happened seven years ago Friday (March 19).



Here’s how that went, if yr wondering.

I don't know about you, but I like that question mark where Bush’s picture is supposed to be.

SPECIAL COMMENTARY: I mention this because apparently a lot of people missed it.

Which is ironic, considering how much popular support the Bush Posse actually had for the war. 4400 dead US soldiers, 100,000 dead Iraqi civilians and $3 trillion later, you’d think everyone who supported it would have the common courtesy to remember the goddamn day it started.

But then I gather that many of the same people think the war ended when Bush said it did on May 1, 2003, so it’s technically ancient history, and who bothers to remember that?

Or maybe I’m thinking of the people who think the Iraq war started on 9/11/01, not 3/19/03. That could be it.

Anyway, happy anniversary, armchair warmongers. Hope yr war is everything you dreamed it would be.

Shock’n’awe,

This is dF