I HAD TO MUCH TO DREAM LAST NIGHT: TARANTINO EDITION

I am watching/starring in some kind of film that is sort of like a mash-up between Django Unchained and a zombie film, except it’s set in modern times, and there are no zombies, but the action is similar to scenes where people are fighting their way through a zombie herd.

Anyway, the action involves me and Jamie Foxx storming our way into a high-rise apartment block full of 70s Blaxploitation gangsters. We are armed with axes and swords, and we are fighting our way up, floor, by floor, hacking and chopping every gangster we encounter. There are two women who seem to be bystanders, but they are also fending off gangsters in similar fashion to avoid capture.

All of this plays out in Tarantino-style OTT fashion – axes buried into skulls, limbs and faces chopped and sliced off in spectacular bloody detail.

One scene involves a gangster getting decapitated. As blood sprays from his neck like an old seltzer bottle, he drops to his knees and keels forward, stopping so the blood-spray is directed at a 45º angle, which results in his fellow bad guys getting hosed down in the face.

Perspective shift: the bride and I are watching the film, and we find this scene hilarious. Apparently Tarantino thought so too – the scene dissolves to an alternate take where instead of one decapitated body spraying blood all over the bad guys, it’s a hundred decapitated bodies, all pointed at the same angle.

I don't remember the objective of all this. We are either trying to rescue a woman, or we are simply trying to get to the gang leader and kill him so we can get out of the city.

And then I woke up.

Off with their heads,

This is dF

X-RAY SPECS: THERE’S NOT AN APP FOR THAT

As a telephones journalist, I get emails.

Sometimes they’re warnings from security companies about the latest mobile-phone malware and spam.

For instance:

If you ever get an SMS from someone telling you to download an app called “Infrared X-Ray” that lets you use yr phone camera to see through ladies clothing and take pictures of them?



Don’t do it. The app doesn’t take “x-ray” pictures so much as steals yr contact data, uploads it to servers in Singapore and Atlanta, try to bill you for fake services, and spams all the people in the contact list it just stole from you.

And all because you wanted to see that cute coffee girl at Starbucks with her clothes off. In which case …

Dude. Seriously?

According to Symantec (the company that sent me the warning), there are similar apps out there, so the general rule of thumb should be: don’t ever download an app direct from a text message or email, even if it appears to be from someone you know.

Which you should already know if you have experience with computers. Remember those emails you would get with an .exe attachment and the subject line: “FUNNY ANIMATION ROTFLMAO YOU GOTTA SEE THIS” that experts told you not to open because they were malware?

Same rules apply.

Yr welcome.

For yr protection,

This is dF