I CAN HAS REAL ESTATE?

Would you buy property from this man?



[Hint to newcomers: I’m the one on the right]

Well, someone just did. We signed a preliminary deal tonight to sell the flat to German expats looking to move their parental units out of Hamburg. As you do. If all goes well, we’ll make it final in two weeks, and by the end of May we’ll be living elsewhere (in Hong Kong, that is).

The timing couldn’t be better. We’ve been squeaking by in a single-income situation for over a year now, which is never easy in HK (especially on an editor’s salary), and we’ve been trying to offload the flat for awhile now, with no luck. Now that the global economy is about to collapse into ungodly chaos thanks to (1) the US subprime market crisis and (2) the fact that the person in charge of the US is promising to fix the economy the way he fixed Iraq, the window for selling at a decent price is getting narrower every week. Complicating things is the fact that the HK property market tends to be especially vulnerable during international economic meltdowns, as we discovered the hard way in 1997.

So with our savings almost drained and the world economy on the brink of collapse, we are rescued by wayward filial Germans. Ist es nicht Wunderbar?

Now we just have to find a place to live within five weeks. No word yet on whether we’ll stay in Disco Bay. But prelim re/search suggests that rent-wise, we’ll be hard pressed to find better deals.

The Big Question, of course, is whether we’ll rent one big place, or two smaller flats – one for the bride and me, the other for the mother-in-law who has been living with us since before we got married (for those of you just tuning in, that works out to 12 years and a month). I can go either way, honestly – in defiance of sitcom tradition, I get along great with Katie’s mom, so co-habitation is always an option.

All this is assuming the deal goes through. By the end of the month, we’ll know for sure.

In the meantime, we are celebrating. A round of Early Times for everyone.

Worth a million in prizes,

This is dF

YOUTUBE SURVIVOR SERIES #44: ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME CAR

I had a fascination with the stock car races when I was a boy, thanks to Dad taking me to the Nashville Speedway to watch the races. Like most stock car fans (who won’t admit this, but it’s true), I was there to see car crashes. Sure, the actual race was exciting, but if there wasn’t one decent crash the whole night, I went home disappointed. George Carlin said it best: “Driving around in a circle for 500 miles does not impress me. Where else am I going to see a 26-car pile-up and not be IN the goddamn thing?”

Yes, I know, crashes are dangerous and drivers get seriously hurt and occasionally killed as a result (as well as fans). But they’re also fantastic spectacle. Why not? Gratuitous car crashes are a staple of American entertainment – maybe not to the point where J.G. Ballard was right, but it’s pretty close.

Still, as Anne Boleyn once said, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. I remember when Dale Earnhardt was killed at Daytona seven years ago, NASCAR caved into public pressure to revisit its safety requirements.

Judging from what happened to Michael McDowell a week ago in Texas during a qualifying run, it looks like the improvements are paying off.

He hit the wall at around 180 mph, barrel-rolled eight times, and walked away from that without a scratch. Wow. Not that it proves that injuries and death at NASCAR are a thing of the past. But it’s still a good sign. Spectacle is great, but I don’t want people dying in the name of entertainment if it can be avoided.

Hit it,

This is dF

BETTER PORNOGRAPHY APPRECIATION THROUGH SCIENCE

ITEM: A study conducted in Denmark shows that men and women generally consider hardcore pornography a positive influence in their lives. They credit it with improving their sex lives, their sexual knowledge, their attitudes toward the opposite gender, and even their general quality of life.

And the more they consume it, the more they perceive positive effects.

Wow. Remember 20 years ago when we all thought porn was evil and would kill every woman and child in America?

Oh, wait. That wasn’t everyone. That was Ed Meese. And that wasn’t 20 years ago, that was last Friday.

I predict the usual suspects won’t be impressed. “Well, I don’t care what perverted filth they get up to in Denmark – this is America and we are better than a bunch of big-haired porn-gobbling EUROPEANS!”

That’s how you become Leader Of The Free World, you know. Denmark would rule the planet if they didn’t spend so much time watching people fornicate.  Ha ha. Losers.

Putting the “Great” in “Great Danes”,

This is dF

THE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY ONLY THING I’M GOING TO SAY ABOUT OBAMA ELITISTGATE

Actually, I don’t have to say anything. Jon Stewart [via dinopollard] has my back.

Of course, that was before we found out about the Obama Orange Juice Scandal. To which I can only add:

Oh, for F***’s sake, STOP it.

The good news, I suppose, is that Obama’s so solid on the issues that this is the only way they can think of stop him. The bad news is that it might actually work. Or not. Maybe it's like frat hazing – if you can take a year of teasing about yr bowling score and people twisting yr words around like it's Opposite Day, then you have what it takes to lead the country.

I dunno. I’ve always figured that modern elections are about entertainment first and issues dead last, but the entertainment value is starting to slip from must-see programming to third-rate reality TV. Still, that’s why Jon Stewart is yr most trusted source for news.

Carry on.

Puny humans,

This is dF