MY GOD IS MORE METAL THAN YR GOD

ITEM: UK rock magazine Metal Hammer is urging heavy metal fans to officially register their faith as ''heavy metal'' while filling in the next Census questionnaire.

If the campaign is successful, Saxon frontman Biff Byford will become the proposed faith's ''world metal peace ambassador''.

This is, of course, why Facebook was invented.

I like this idea, if only because heavy metal has everything you need for a religion: good attendance, influence on lifestyle, unswerving devotion, call-and-response choruses, massive sectarianism and a solid merchandising business.

Personally, I think Ronnie James Dio would be a more appropriate choice for world metal ambassador. But he’s currently unavailable. And Saxon was the blueprint for Spinal Tap, so it’s not like Biff hasn’t earned it.

Of course, this kind of thing won’t get Heavy Metal listed as an official religion in the census results. It didn’t work for the Jedi in 2001, so it’s not likely to work now.

However, if it DOES work, they’ll need a name.

I have a suggestion.

"Incredible Bongo Band - In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" (Watch on YouTube)

Yes, I know, technically it’s taken. But it’s not like Metal Church is using it right now.

Metal gods,

This is dF

HAMBURGERS! POTATO SALAD! WATERMELON! FLAPJACKS! BIKINIS!

Some things on the Internet defy description.

This is one of those things.

I mean, I could tell you that it’s a mustard commercial featuring two girl-next-door bikini models playing with meat. With banjo accompaniment. I could even give you the URL of the site where it originated from something like six years ago.

But that wouldn’t really get the full idea across.

You really do have to see it for yrself.

"Zeppelin vs. Pterodactyls (1936)" (Watch on YouTube)

BONUS TRACK: The Internet being what it is, there’s also a flapjacks version of this.

"FFS - Johnny Delusional (Official Video)" (Watch on YouTube)

Pass the syrup,

This is dF