MORE SENSELESS ACTS OF BLOGGERY

It’s fair to say the majority of my 45 collection is fairly mainstream – which is to say, the artists and songs are mostly ones yr likely to have heard of, and still hear on oldies stations from time to time.

A few are pretty obscure, and I’ve posted some of them already. I’m not really sure which qualifies as the most obscure 45 in the collection. But surely this 80s metal song about samurais is a top contender.



Grand Prix were a British metal band from 1978 to 1984, and this was the title track to their third and final album. Two of them went on to join Uriah Heep while vocalist Robin McAuley later teamed up with Michael Schenker.

I’m not even 100% sure why I even had this. I think I inherited it from a friend who was enamored with the whole samurai mythos. And listening to it now, I’m not entirely sure why I thought it was worth inheriting. I guess it does have that kind of earnest epicness that a lot of UK/European 80s hair-metal bands displayed – proggy arrangements, fist-raising anthemic choruses in four-part harmony, cheesy synths, serious riffage, and pretentious lyrics about Honor and Glory and Warriors and Kings and etc. It’s kind of like a Manowar-Europe non-aggression pact for Japanese culture buffs and Styx fans. Or people who love their metal kitschy.

Anyway, there it is.

PRODUCTION NOTE: It took me forever to find this one on YouTube, because (1) I couldn’t remember the name of the band, and (2) without that information, when you Google “samurai” and “song” you inevitably get that Michael Cretu song, which is even more “80s” than the Grand Prix song.

The sword is yr soul,

This is dF 

It’s Wheelz Of Steel!



[Click through to the YouTube page for info about the “band”]

Okay, that’s pretty awful. To be fair though, it sounds more like two kids fooling around with a drum machine and a tape recorder who probably had a friend who knew a guy who worked at a vinyl pressing plant who said he could stamp it into a record, and wouldn’t that be cool to hear yrself on a record, etc.

Or it could be a Ween skit.

Anyway, I don’t think they put this out with any real intention of passing themselves off as a rock band. It sounds like the kind of stuff some friends and I used to do with tape recorders back in the 80s. We did them for fun, not as demos for A&R guys.

Anyway, I’m only posting this because I could swear I own that drum machine.

It’s probably not exactly the same, of course. But the one I have has the exact same sound. It looks like this.



Isn’t that interesting?

For those about to rock,

This is dF

Yr argument is invalid.



[Via The Cult Of Ray]

Ten seconds to ka-CHUNK,

This is dF

1. Van Halen karaoke night

I am attending a music festival of some kind featuring lots of classic bands from the 80s. It’s being held in a huge gymnasium. The stage announcer introduces Van Halen. The auditorium goes dark and Eddie Van Halen starts playing “Eruption”. The band launches into “You Really Got Me” and the spotlight hits David Lee Roth as he runs out onstage. But the rest of the band is invisible – there’s nothing behind Roth but a wall of Marshall stacks, leading me to believe the show is actually supposed to be David Lee Roth doing Van Halen karaoke.

bedsitter23  is there, and he and I start jumping around, “rocking out”, by the stage in a show of support for Diamond Dave. We are aided by the fact that the floor is covered in some springy rubber material that gives the audience more bounce. bedsitter23  uses this to do backflips. There aren’t that many people in the audience, so he has plenty of room. But I soon regret the jumping, because I’m out of breath halfway through the first song, and I kinda feel committed now that Diamond Dave has seen me dancing about.

2. Movie theatre biker orgy

I am going to see a movie with KT. Outside the theatre are two loud obnoxious biker stereotypes. KT and I take our seats and sure enough the bikers end up sitting right in front of us, arms hanging over the seatbacks to annoy us. We get up to change our seats and they pretend to take offense and cause a scene, but the usher is already by our aisle and asking them to leave. They leave, but we are worried they will wait outside for us when the movie ends.

There is an exit by the front of the theatre. I go to check it, and when I come back the movie has started. It turns out to be strikingly pornographic – the scene onscreen is of a movie audience engaged in an explicit orgy. We all look at each other as though we’re expected to participate.

3. Heavy metal parking lot

I am sitting in an SUV with Geezer Butler. We are parked outside a convenience store waiting for Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi, who have gone in to get some drinks. Geezer is telling me stories about the old days with Black Sabbath, and doing hilarious spot-on imitations of Ozzy. Ozzy and Tony come back and get in the SUV, and we hit the road. As for why I’m there, I don’t remember, but I think I was supposed to be interviewing them about the new album.

Together again,

This is dF

[Via Marshmallows And Bubbles]

PRODUCTION NOTE: For maximum entertainment value, Team Def recommends watching the above GIF whilst listening to this.



Or, if you prefer, this.



Bear necessities,

This is dF

The race for Best Song Of 2013 begins here. 



In which Adam “Blackula” Young records a grindcore song with his six-year-old daughter, Joanie “Bologna” Young, who wrote the lyrics. It’s a duet.

And it’s brilliant.

Listen.



Yr grounded,

This is dF

There was such a thing, you know.



[Via Radioactive Lingerie]

DISCLAIMER: For educational purposes only. I was never big on Faster Pussycat.

Wake me when it’s over,

This is dF

Break out the heavy metal records!



[Via Scrotum Coat]

Whip it good,

This is dF

I hinted at this in this post, but when it comes to rockinrolls horror films, one of the classics that sticks in my mind is Shock Em Dead. 



Which has Traci Lords in it. As you can see.

The premise is as basic as it gets: loser-guy sells his soul for rock’n’roll and becomes the best heavy-metal guitar player in the world, but has to kill people to maintain his talent.

It’s godawaful low-budget fun, but in some ways it also embodies the absolute worst tropes of heavy metal – namely, the notion that it's not metal unless yr playing solos at ludicrous speeds.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big metal fan, and I appreciate the talent it takes to play well, let alone fast. But I’ve never equated speed and virtuosity with musical quality. To me it’s more about showing off for the sake of it.

Like say, playing two solos AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME.

Like so.



That’s not a fake scene. Michael Angelo Batio – who served as the guitar stunt double for all the guitar-solo scenes – actually does this in concert all the time.

Like so.

I’m not saying showmanship has no place on a rock-concert stage. I’m just not a big fan of musicians who mistake stage flash for substance. When it becomes less about the music and more about showing people how good you are at playing it, I am not impressed.

Look: Frank Zappa can play every bit as fast, but he doesn’t distract you from the actual music he’s playing. Conversely, Dave Gilmour takes his sweet time with a guitar solo, gives it space to breathe, and the results are brilliant. He’s living proof you don’t need to go all squiddly dabbly doo / widdly widdly wee all over a song to blow people away.

It’s all a matter of taste, obviously. And I’m probably biased because I used to get earfuls of pompous lectures from metalhead roommates about how metal is like classical baroque music only, you know, kick-ass. (My response would usually be to play my Black Flag records at full blast at 2am – “Now THAT is kick-ass, you poodle-haired fuckers!”)

And, as I say, I actually liked metal as a music genre. But I hated the pomposity of virtuosity that came with the package sometimes.

Anyway.

Shock Em Dead – I’m sure it’s available on Netflix or something. If not, that’s a damn shame, Jim.

EXTRA CREDIT: For more low-budget heavy-metal horror B-movies (and there are a surprising number of them), Horror News has a nice list.

And yes, Jon Mikl Thor is on it.

If it ain’t baroque don’t fix it,

This is dF

Since we kicked off this series with a witch’s spell, we will follow up with witch dancing. 

Choreography by Mercyful Fate.



Before the goat of Mendes, 

This is dF