WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HAVE TO GIVE COMMUNION TO EVERY MOTHERF***ER IN THE ROOM

[defrog]

ITEM [via Def Agent lorilori ]: Nu-Life Products of Minnesota, which makes communion-wafer dispensers, is accusing its former president of patent infringement and misappropriation of trade secrets.

Which I mention mainly because I had no idea wafer-dispenser technology had grown this advanced:

What’s more, the portable devices, according to the lawsuit, “easily deliver communion to military personnel in combat situations and to people who are hospitalized, infirm or otherwise immobile.”

Among other things, Nu-Life Products of Minnesota claims it owns technology known as the “rapid reload system” for fast wafer loading and the “quad-rotator technology” allowing up to 400 wafers to be dispensed without having to be refilled.

Sounds bad-ass when you put it that way, doesn’t it?

I’m assuming this kind of technological advancement is the result of megachurches. When you’ve got 3,000 people to feed the body of Christ to, you want to keep the line moving so everyone can get home and watch football.

Or do megachurches do Communion?

Whatever – I love the idea of a wafer dispenser with a rapid-reload system. Though I think it's fair to ask: do soldiers really take Communion in combat situations?

Dispensing salvation at 30 wafers a second,

This is dF

Comments

Re: When a church isn't big enough....

[garbagecanmusic.livejournal.com]

I know of three megachurches (I know a few more, but "megachurch" is a fairly new term and I don't know if those churches were big enough).

Tedd Haggard's Megachurch (no longer his) - Evangelical
Willow Creek (chicago burbs) - Evangelical
Calvary Church (chicago burbs) - Pentacostal (Assembly of God)

I'm not sure what it takes to be a Megachurch, but those up there have at least 4000+ members, and they're popping up all over the U.S. And these places are compounds - schools, stores, churches, security (sometimes armed) all contained on their land.

Growing up, I've been involved in a lot of different denominations, and this is what I know of off hand....although I can not verify the accuracy:

Catholic - The ones that started it all, Nun and priests that can't screw. Technically.

Orthodox - Weird crosses and the priests can marry.

Lutheran - Catholic lite. Other than the Martin Luther banging notes onto church doors, I don't really know much other than that. I refer to them as Catholic lite because I always mistake them for Catholics.

Evangelical - Protestant, I know them to be conservative and quiet. In church, that is. They obviously get pretty vocal when it comes to The Homos and abortion.

Pentacostal - I think of them as the batshit insane that like to yell during church and pass out and speak in "tongues". They like to make people "Born Again" because the first time wasn't good enough for them.

For the record, I am both "born again" and a devout Catholic (as in I've had First Communion, Confirmation, and have been beaten by nuns. I caught the end of the old school era. Lucky me). If I had to choose, I would definitely go Catholic because, although boring, you can get your crap done in an hour on Sunday and then go watch football or barbecue or whatever. When you head to church with the protestants, you never know when the fuck you're getting out of there because the minister can babble on forever if he/she wants to. And they always seem like they're making it up as they go along. They wouldn't know tradition if it came up and bit them on their goddamned asses.

But my current choice is avoiding them like the plague. I really have better things to do with my Sundays....

Re: When a church isn't big enough....

[def-fr0g-42.livejournal.com]

I think you need a minimum of 2,000 regulars to qualify as a megachurch. Apart from that I think any denomination can have one. Except the Catholics. Which just goes to show.